Unicorns & Rainbows

6.20.25

I want to remain positive, where unicorns and rainbows join me on a pink fluffy cloud. Yet I find myself hanging off this cloud and there is barely anything of substance to grab. Thank goodness the unicorn's hoof was there, or I would be falling into the abyss of dark thoughts. Why is it so hard to stay in this peaches and roses headspace for me? I find myself hypersensitive to the stressors, Facebook posts - the news - work - you name it. It all affects my nervous system.

My body gets tense and my heart races. I am that pimple faced teenaged kid in gym class, the swimming unit, learning how to dive. Teetering on the edge of the diving board. That nervous feeling butterflies all a flutter, out of control. Can I just get an A for effort and walk away? I don't want to jump! I'm scared...

I'm feeling the opposite of AWE. Why am I lacking that control to remove myself from these stressors. Why is it difficult for me to view them differently and stay in my calm state. Why instead do I feel like punching a heavy bag as the anger boils inside of me. I know what I want to be. I know what I want to feel like. What is the solution to this? I know the 3 C's and to stay away from saying them or even thinking them. Staying away from Complaining, Condemning, and Criticizing. I know we all can change. My mind has deeply worn pathways of thought and it's going to take a while to change the terrain.

I already feel better typing this out. I haven't written as much lately or podcasted as much. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, reading, trying to cope with life's stressors. Along with being more stressed this impairs my creativity and makes me feel less social. I don't even want to go on Facebook for awhile with all the political talk. There are moments when I just want to shout out, "Calgon take me away" (yes you would have to be older to understand this reference). In all of this I am happy that I am not reaching for a beer (or several) to cope. Sure, I have those thoughts. But I am dedicated to remaining unaltered. I want to repair my brain chemistry. I am 542 days sober today! 5 days away from a year and a half. They say this is a heavy time frame for relapse. It has been difficult believe me. I go through moments of romanticizing wine with the girls’ moments or celebrations with champagne. Maybe I could have just one. But I am a fuck ton smarter now. I know I can't. One will lead to many beers and many regrets.

I went outside after work to clear my head. I sat outside and read my book, The Power of A.W.E., and actually started to feel better. It wasn't just the book. It was the moments of deep breathing I had during my reading session. It was the moist warm air around me. The birds were singing their night songs, fluttering their wings in trees, providing me such lovely, enchanting songs. I closed my eyes. Shut my mind off to everything that was going on in my house and at work. I focused on the present. The birds, the air, my breath, the way my body felt on those plastic chairs from Home Depot. I became a new woman. I guess having more moments like this could get me back into the positive mindset. You know, where Unicorns are riding pink clouds, wearing rose garlands on their heads, chomping on peaches, surrounded by brilliantly colored rainbows. Worth a try.

That's all I have. Have a great Friday!